Alright, here it comes.

Allergies + The end of For Time & Eternity + Turning 40 = mid-life crisis.

Or not. Who knows. But it's been a rough few days, and I'm feeling unfocused. 

You spend your whole life trying to build a time machine. There's so much to learn. So much to do. You drag entire fields of physics kicking and screaming from the realm of the hypothetical into the realm of the known. There's no time for rest. No time for love. No time for friends.

When you're 95, you finally succeed. You breathe calmly, set the machine back 75 years, and hit the button.

You spend the next hour trying to convince your 20 year old self that dedicating his (your) life to this insane quest isn't worth it. But it's no good. He's 20, and he's flipping out that you just traveled through time.

You finally give up and turn to leave, but he beans you over the head with a science fair trophy and steals your ride.

Congratulations. You EITHER just destroyed the universe or figured out a way to circumvent that whole lifetime of study thing.

Stranded and aimless, you head to the nearest bar.


Okay, it's worth mentioning that I was feeling pretty good for about 8 hours. Got a lot of crap done yesterday, and whittled down my inbox. Went to sleep feeling accomplished.  


Nadine told me I should post more to Livejournal, and that also I should post when I'm in a good mood. Still waiting!

Only in Dreams

Had an extensive, two part dream last night.

The world was ending. In the first scenario, I wasn't sure as to what exactly was happening to the world. But apparently people were mass fleeing north. I was with the first wave of people headed that way, so it wasn't super gridlocked yet. I don't remember much of the details, except that it was inevitable, imminent, and sad.

The dream was disturbing, and I remember wanting out of it. It gradually dawned on me that I might be dreaming, so I woke up. It was like 7:58. I knew I'd pass out again, and I also remember trying to shake the dream off so that I wouldn't experience part 2.

No such luck. This time the mood stayed the same, but the details changed, and in retrospect, it was kind of hilarious.

This time I was not with the first wave of refugees. I was still in Austin, and it was quickly becoming obvious that most people were fleeing.

I *still* had no idea what was destroying the world. But apparently whatever it was was going to be gradual, and by moving north you could buy yourself some time... maybe even enough time to live out your life comparatively normally.

I remember asking people what the deal was... explaining as I did so that I'd been busy lately with The Hideout and theatre stuff, and hadn't really been paying close attention to the news.

Finally, I experienced what was wrong with the world. Clouds started rolling in over Austin. But they weren't clouds. It was a solid sheets of ice, like you're under a glacier or something, and they were super low. It only really made dream sense. Someone explained that basically oil spills and carbon dioxide and other things had taken their toll, and now basically this huge frozen hurricane thing was coming onto land.

So end of the world, sure. But it would take a while.

ANYhow, I go to the Hideout. The baristas are all excited, because the owners of a nearby furniture and clothing store who is understandably fleeing the apocalypse, has told us we can have all their stock. So we're redecorating the interior. I like the new furniture, but also have some constructive comments.

So, the End of the World... temporarily good for the Hideout!



A Song for the End of the World

Awesome dream last night, mainly because it was set in a sub-sub-genre of science fiction that I love... the quiet apocalypse. You know, those stories where everyone knows the world is ending, and can see it coming, but it's not quite here yet? Most recently, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (which I haven't seen yet) is in that vein. Also the lovely "Last Night". I'm sure there are others.

I can't remember much of the details now.

I have no idea what the impending doom was, but either it would be a slow process or the lead up would crumble civilization, because we were preparing for some serious end-times action. I know that I and a few other people had a fortified, sprawling complex ready to go and over-stocked with supplies to hold out as long as possible.

Our attitudes were the most interesting things. We weren't horribly concerned. We were more curious how stuff would shake out. How long we would last, how we would die, etc.

Also, it wasn't entirely clear that everybody believed it. I think like 80% of the world did. The newspapers were oddly silent on the subject, as if being in denial.

I should say that this is one of those dreams that lingered a bit, so that for a few moments after waking, I took the premise as simple truth, and had to have a conscious realization that the world wasn't ending (that I know of). So that's nice.


In a foul, foul mood today. Guilt and shame and obsession all boiling around, and it's hard to shake.

But screw that!

I wanna focus on good stuff instead. Had a great rehearsal with PGraph yesterday. Every time we actually get off our bums and do improv in rehearsal, it makes me very happy. We did one very simple exercise, and it made for some of the most satisfying, interesting improv I've been involved in recently.

I made a video for the postcard game I commissioned from Marc, which made me feel a little less guilty about spending The Hideout's money on the project:

I haven't exactly started losing weight in droves, but I have been making smarter choices the past couple of days, and I think I'm building up momentum. Even though I don't talk about it much, my health is my number one source of stress, and I think if I could get a handle on that, I'd be a much happier Roy.

I've been reading lots of Lovecraft for the Black Vault, and as a result I'm feeling really inspired in rehearsals. I'm on track to finish reading every solo work of fiction the man wrote before our first show. I'm bursting at the seams with ideas, which is a good place to be. 

*whew*. Already feel a little better.

(no subject)

Trying to take some real, honest attempts to make positive change in my life.

My theatre work demands that I be tapped into Facebook, but I'm going to try and be there as little as possible.
It's an addiction and a time suck. Which is awful, because I've met so many wonderful people around the world in Austin, and this is the only way I can maintain any sense of connection with a lot of them. 
But when I feel a constant need to refresh a stupid webpage, I'm not making the best use of my life. 
Similarly, I need to get healthy. Like real healthy. Unfortunately, the only thing I can ever think to do when I'm not doing improv is to go out for food and/or drinks with people. Also, I LIKE drinking and I LIKE food. They make me happy.

Basically, if I had the guts I would give up Facebook, drinking, and eating out for a while. But I'm afraid that would make me completely antisocial.

But I also imagine that learning to go out, drink water, and just find joy in talking to other people would make me more social in the long run.