think of me real hard.
focus your energy on it being my cookie.
and tell me my fortune.
Jaclyn, your fortune reads as follows:
Reach for the stars.
Oh, and your lucky numbers are:
1,2,4,29,31 and 49
Next up: online palmistry!
Maybe you should join the circus or something.
Hey, at least you're not getting the same fortune that I always do. Yours gives you a second chance, where as mine:
"Hell is often paved with good intentions."
The one I got a month or so ago said: "HE likes to flirt, but towards you his intentions are honorable." Boy, that was a load off MY shoulders!
2001-06-11 03:03 pm (UTC)
These are a few of my favoite sayings...
The onion you are eating may be someone else's water lily.
Why does and apple fall to the ground?
And of course, may favorite and real fortune was just a picture of a hand, doing this **gives thumbs down sign**
oh, that kills me, but seriously, I got this one before, honest to God:
You are one of those people who "goes places in life."
2001-06-12 06:35 am (UTC)
Re: These are a few of my favoite sayings...
what a metaphor...the thumbs down is negative...until you turn the fortune over, and it is a thumbs UP. Confucius say: All things are immaterial and transitory...so get drunk and fuck before you die.
2001-06-12 08:33 am (UTC)
How would you like it if everytime you looked at the sky, all you saw was pizza!?!?
No no silly swordfish! It is from an Upright Citizen's Brigade skit. They started playing that "in bed" game at a chinese restaurant. You know the one, read the fortune add the phrase "in bed" to the end. and this guy keeps getting weird ones like "You need to focus on self-improvement" and things that sound funny when you add "in bed" so all his friends laugh at him and of course it escalates to things that sound worse and worse until he gets one and he's standing and he just slumps to the booth and his friends are all like 'What? What is it? What does it say?" And his wife says "It's just a picture of a hand. Doing this" and gives the thumbs down symbol. And his friends try the same thing, "maybe it's a thumbs up" and she says "no." and turns it around and it's sure enough a picture of a thumbs down and under it it says "this side down"
It was truly a funny skit.
Ranks up there with the hornless Unicorn skit, the spaghetti Jesus skit and the gun circle skit.
2001-06-12 08:50 am (UTC)
Re: How would you like it if everytime you looked at the sky, all you saw was pizza!?!?
huzzah. missed that one. for me, UCB doesnt get any better than "The Hot Chicks Room" and the "Box of Truth". the box makes me laugh just thinking about it.
the best fortune i EVER got is still in my wallet. it says simply
"You Love Chinese Food"
and it was RIGHT! amazing.
Penn and Teller still have the best fortune cookie jokes, though. does anyone else even own the P&T books?
I, too, have received that one. Another one I enjoyed went:
"YOUR PROBLEM isn't a lack of skill, but a lack of ambition." (emphasis mine). To which I replied: "Fuck you! You are nothing more than a cookie. Your ambitions in life are simply to not get eaten!"
So, to make a long story short, I nearly drowned.
the P&T book "How to Play with Your Food" had some great fortunes. the even came on fortune-grade paper, so with a little sleight of hand, hilarity ensues. the two i remember offhand are
"The chef spit in your food"
"That Lump is Cancer"
There was also one that necessitated a set-up. as i remember, you do some stupid magic trick, i.e., a card trick, and then explain how you did it, and laugh at the idea of magic. steer the conversation towards the occult, and laugh at that. also, laugh at astrology, UFOs, etc. Then, get a bit somber and tell this story:
"I knew this woman at work who was really rude about astrology and stuff like that. If she saw someone reading horoscopes she would mock them and they would feel shame. She was really kind of heartless about it. Then one day she got this letter, no address, just slipped under her office door. she opened it and it said, in heavy copperplate handwriting: "Smart-assed Skeptic, Monkey Man will MAKE you believe." She seemed a little perturbed, but she laughed it off as a silly little prank, which we all assumed it was. She continued her day as normal, beating up on anyone interested in occult things, and then we went home for the weekend. The following monday she didnt show up for work. We called her house, but her phone must have been on the fritz, because all we heard was what sounded like hooting and screams. probably dust in the phone lines or something. eventually, one of her sorta-friends went over to the house, and i tagged along. when we walked in the door, the first thing we noticed was the smell. it smelled like the zoo, monkey feces and human sweat all mixed up. we walked back through the hall towards her bedroom and the smell only got stronger. when we reached the bedroom, the smell was overpowering. The bedroom was destroyed, all the glass was broken, the bed was in tatters, and splattered on every wall was this viscous blackbrown fluid. We heard slight sobs coming from the closet and we opened the door. it was a walkin closet, and covering every square inch of the available floor space were zodiac signs, horoscope books, and any other astrological tool you can think of. in the middle of it all was this woman, sitting there nude. Her body was covered with small red scratches, and her eyes had some deep vacancy that only a mindtwistingly frightening event can do. if you've ever been in a bad car accident, you know what i mean. but that wasnt the bad part. Her hair...her hair had gone completely white. all of it. she took no notice of us, and turned around away from the light, and on her back, in deeper scratches than the others on her body, were the words: "Smart assed Skeptic, Monkey Man will MAKE you believe.""
YOu then follow this by poking fun at the story, arguing that was obviously a grab for attention by the woman, that the occult is bullshit, that this story is only half true, blahblahblah. Then you open your fortune cookie, and what does it say?
"Smart assed Skeptic, Monkey Man will make you believe", of course.
My version of the prank/story is much better than Penn And Tellers, upon further reflection.
dude, i totally got that fortune once. and i saved it. HA!