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Roy Janik

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money laundering [Sep. 11th, 2002|03:44 am]
Roy Janik
Here's what I just wrote up for the money laundering BUH booth for Wednesday through Thursday. It'll consist of folks washing dollar bills in a washtub and drying them on a clothesline... The first line, which is hilarious, was ripped from an unrelated website. I couldn't pass it up.


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Dog shit, dirty nappies, vomit, bad breath, stained towels, lice, nasal mucous, half-eaten food, saliva, worms, rotten meat, maggots, sores, urine, rats, sweat.

What do all these things have in common? The answer is that we find them disgusting, and yet they're all found in trace amounts on the good old American dollar bill.

Wash your hands all you want, but as soon as you open up your wallet, you're opening *yourself* up to a wide variety of diseases. In fact, it has been estimated that filthy currency is to blame for over 10% of all reported cases of the flu.

Don't fret, though. There is a simple solution. "Dirty money" can easily be made clean again with a little bit of over-the-counter dish soap and water. It takes very little time, and the reward to your health is tremendous.

Outreach/educational programs hosted by local community service organizations have made cleaning your cash easier than ever! However, if you decide to do it yourself, here are a few tips to help make your money laundering experience a pleasant one:

1. NEVER use harsh abrasives such as lye or bon-ami on currency. Some of the anti-counterfeit features are quite delicate and can wear off or be easily destroyed.

2. Use a slightly warm iron to restore your currency to a "like new" state after washing. This will help it to get into the Vanilla Coke vending machine that much faster!

3. 20 dollar bills (and up) actually have a higher thread count than smaller denominations, which means that they are more prone to wrinkling. Added care should be taken with these.

4. There are several high-priced commercial chemical solutions available for cleaning coinage. However, a can of Coca-cola Classic works just as well! Really! Just don't drink it afterwards.

5. As a sign of respect to our bygone founding fathers, always turn each bill President-side up when drying on a flat surface.

6. Never leaving washing/drying bills unattended. Large amounts of currency can be extremely enticing to a passing thief.

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For countless decades, money laundering has been a game of power and intrigue only available to the ultra-rich and those close to them!

Well no more!

Local money-laundering operations are springing up all over Smalltown, USA! To be sure, the stakes may be lower, but at long last you can have the satisfaction of knowing that your money is being pilfered by LOCAL tricksters and charlatans, rather than by faceless corporations and fat-cat executives.

Curious? Come by the Knighthood of BUH's money laundering demonstration booth Wed. the 11th through the 13th.
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